I've Been Laid Off. {Again}.

This is a hard post to write.

This is a REALLY hard post to write.

But, this is also my blog, and it’s a place where I want/need to write down what is happening in my life so in five or ten years, I can look back at my thoughts and remember what was going through my head at that moment in time.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane. Shall we?

It was January 2010 and I was working for a small start up. I had just returned from the extended Christmas holiday that the company graciously provided as a perk. I knew the company was in trouble and needed to find a buyer, as the venture capital funding they were relying on was drying up. I never thought the buyer they had found would be conducting MAJOR layoffs…. To the tune of 1/2 of the company.

I was part of the group that lost their jobs that January morning, but I was one of three people asked to stay on and transition work for a 30 day period. At least I still had a job for 30 days.

I worked my butt off, and became quite close with the new management team. If my memory serves me correctly, on the 2nd to last day of the transition period, I was asked to stay with the company full time and forget any of the layoff talk had ever happened.

I accepted my employer’s proposal to say on, because even if the situation was tough to “forgive and forget”… I was (1) still employed , (2) it was a job I was comfortable doing, and (3) I knew I could quietly keep looking for something better.

Well, I found something better at the end of March 2010. I resigned, {Remember this post? I was scared to death!} and thought I’d never look back.

I looked back this past Monday, and every part of my being screamed, "WHY? WHY? WHY?"

I was laid off on Monday. For the 2nd time in a year and half.

Ouch.

I liked my job and was happy with what I was doing. Managment seemed to be really happy with me too. I had my annual review in March and recieved glowing remarks as a result. Things seemed to be going really well. But, businenss is business, and over the last week, I've learned that the company is really struggling and as a result laid off me and three other people.

Fore me. being laid off is a soul crushing feeling. You feel like you’re worthless, incompetent, and just no good. It hurts to the core.

So, why am I writing this recap of despair for the entire internet to see? Because, if you’ve been laid off, no matter how many times someone tells you “It’s not your fault”, it can NEVER hurt to read it, see it, or reinforce the idea in your brain. I’m finally starting to understand what “It’s not your fault” means.
The first time I was laid off, I didn’t get it. I thought there had to be SOMETHING I could have done to have prevented it. The truth is, there wasn’t. I couldn’t prevent the new owners from buying the company. I couldn’t do a song and dance to prove how much talent they would be losing if they let me go. There was nothing I could do.

This time was different. Even when they were telling me my position ceased to exist, my uncontorable tears and hypervelentaing did nothing to change the situation.

I won't to get into the details of my most recent organization and how messed up it is and why at least dozen people have been laid off in the last year. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’m going to take hold of the things that I CAN control and that I CAN influence.

I’m going to come back stronger. It might not be tomorrow, but, watch me. It will happen, and I’m not looking back this time.

My sweet, supportive husband gave me a card this week that has some of the truest words ever written. Good old Hallmark. Here they are:

I am so sorry.
There’s nothing fair or right about any of this, and nothing I can say will make it okay—as much as I wish it could.
There’s so much suffering and loss given these times we’re in, but you’ve got to believe it’s because of the times and not because of you that this is happening.
I know that’s true, because I know you.
You intelligence, your humor, your hard work, and your attitude are just a few of the reasons that I also know you will get through this—and you know I’m hoping that happens sooner rather than later.
So please, when you’re ready, take heart, take care and trust that everything really will turn out okay.